Monday, December 13, 2004

Slightly Dated But Nonetheless Respectable Journalism Alert

From the top-notch news team at New York Magazine regarding store renovations (11/02, slightly edited):

The logjam of an entrance (which Bass admits "doesn't work at all", adding, "In fact, I believe that it is a Mexican entrance, and I will fire it immediately") will be renovated into submission, as will the truly horrifying bathroom. The slogan, EIGHT MILES OF BOOKS, will become SIXTEEN MILES. ("We already passed sixteen," says Bass, "but it gets to the point where nobody believes us . . . And then I get. . . angry. . ." she adds as a slight spasm appears on the right side of her face.) The third-floor rare-book room has already been remade into a rather sleek space, rentable for parties. (Imagine getting married at the Strand.)

Yes, imagine that indeed. In fact, I'm imagining it right now. Let's see, getting married on the third floor of the Strand Bookstore....hmmmm.....yeah, I can actually get into this idea..... I've never planned a wedding before, but considering the place, what's to plan? Many venues don't even bother to offer you a repulsive vermin infestation with which to decorate your wedding, nor do most chapels have a homeless person contingent sizeable enough to fill in as guests for the ceremony.

(Note: Can the guy who sprawls out on the sidewalk drinking motor oil double as a bridesmaid? Look into it.)

Hey, that guy on the fifth floor that looks like Meatloaf can be my best man, why the fuck not! You only get married once, right!

Wait, part of the deal isn't that Fred makes you marry his daughter, is it? Because I don't even think I'm capable of that much hate-sex.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should start giving clues as to your identity. Hey hey? Cluuuueeees?

6:53 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.S: The guy who looks like Meatloaf? What about the guy who looks like Africa Bambaataa? You've got a whole fucking bridal brigade up there.

6:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude... my love for your blog is as intense as the hatred of the bleached blonde Strand employee who used to work at the information desk. he was a pompous, unhelpful asshole to me and the little old lady infront of me as we tried unsuccessfully to navigate the cluttered aisles. i haven't seen him there in months, i was hoping he got fired. maybe he didn't, though... are you that guy? i'd expect someone with that kind of attitude to write a blog like this. rock.

7:38 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're wrong about your salary, though. When you ride the train to work in the morning, look at all those miserable commuters. Look into every one of their faces, and say to yourself, like your daily koan before you clock in, 'You make more money than I do.'

In fact, you can do this all day. At Barnes and Noble. In line at Burger King. Buying a hot dog on the street. They ALL make more money than you do. You make less money than nearly all of NYC. Babysitters. Dog-walkers. Paperboys. Eleven year olds that get an allowance. Those dudes that fish soda cans out of the trash. . . .

8:28 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

also please invite to your wedding the growth on the back of neil's head

12:20 am  

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