Leaked Memo

Managers/Department Heads Please Note:

The new name tags are to be distributed to employees and worn immediately.

At the same time, all old tags are to be collected and destroyed.

For consistency's sake, no old tags are to be worn.

. . .

If any employee is more commonly known here by a less formal name, (at their discretion) they may trade in their tag and Robin in the 3rd floor office will create them a new one. (Please don't go overboard with this offer. This is meant only to ease anyone who is at extreme discomfort in having their formal birth name appear on their tag.

I guess that's good news for Poopypants Jones (aka, "Magnum") anyway.*

Extreme discomfort at the sound of their birth names. These are the people I work with.

Also, old tags will be melted down and reassembled into a giant red suit of plastic armor in which Nancy will strut throughout the store, vanquishing the naughty.

Yes, yes, I'm well aware that this is the type of ridiculous petty stuff that happens at every job, but if you haven't experienced it already, there's something particularly stupefying about the level of absurdity one encounters on a day-to-day basis while working retail. Particularly if your boss wears a red plastic suit of armor and is inexplicably prone to addressing all employees (male or female) as "Ray."

*I'm very sorry, this was the funniest fake-name I could come up with. It can't all be gold, people.