It's Okay to Drink Whiskey at Work Now, Right?

I certainly hope so.

And could somebody get back to me on the whole "punching people in the face" thing? I'm sort of going case-by-case on this one.

Astounding asshole contigent lately, I must say.

Maybe it's a by-product of THE BLIZZARD OF OH-FIVE!!! OHMIFUCKINGGOD IT FUCKING SNOWED IN NEW YORK HOLY CHRIST LET'S COLLECTIVELY SHIT OURSELVES NOW.*


*Sorry, that's just a direct quote from every local news broadcast from the past week.

Dollars and Scents

I don't know what that means, but it's gross. From a fellow hellion:

What's up, sucker. Yeah that's right, I called you a sucker. You know why? 'Cause I just hit the big time. They just moved the big K-man (that's me, idiot, shut up) to some new sections. and gave me a fat new promotion. You see, now I'm in charge of the Sex and Substance Abuse sections. My Graceland and shit. Oh-ho!! Have fun frisking old ladies at the front door or whatever the hell it is you do. Now I show up to work in a Town Car and shit. Eat it.

Dude, have fun with the people that patronize those sections. Although I'm sure the creepy-old- lech/incontinent-alcoholic demographic there is only slightly higher than anywhere else in the store.

Now I shall "eat it."

Mailbag...box....thing.

From the Guardian:

Blogger sacked for sounding off

Waterstone's says bookseller brought firm into disrepute

Patrick Barkham
Wednesday January
12, 2005

A bookseller has become the first blogger in Britain to be sacked from his job because he kept an online diary in which he occasionally mentioned bad days at work and satirised his "sandal-wearing" boss.

Joe Gordon, 37, worked for Waterstone's in Edinburgh for 11 years but says he was dismissed without warning for "gross misconduct" and "bringing the company into disrepute" through the comments he posted on his weblog.

[. . .]

"This wasn't a sustained attack," Mr Gordon told the Guardian. "I was not deliberately trying to harm the company. I was venting my spleen.

"This was moaning about not getting your birthday off or not getting on with your boss. I wasn't libelling anyone or giving away trade secrets."

In the past two months, the bookseller, who helped set up a branch of Waterstone's, ran bookclubs and appeared on radio and TV for his company, mentioned his work twice. On one occasion, he ranted about his "sandal-wearing" manager he nicknamed "Evil Boss", which he said was a caricature like the "Pointy Haired Boss" in the Dilbert cartoons. In another posting, Mr Gordon joked about "Bastardstone's".

[. . .]

"We are hopeful we can get him reinstated," said David Pickles, president of the [Retail Books Association]. "We feel it was heavy-handed and they have overreacted. The company has no guidelines to say 'please don't' [write about work on a weblog]. They shouldn't use a hammer to crack a nut.

[. . .]

"As long as there is no one being discriminating or offensive, if it is just fun and opinion, then I can't see it being a problem. It's just how he felt on the day."

Click here to read the whole article.

Poor guy. There are plenty worse things that can happen to a person than getting fired from his retail job, though. Like, say, cuddling with a kitten. Or being handed a briefcase full of cash and pornography. I could go on.

I sat around for most of the evening laughing about the whole thing, mostly because the comments that got him fired are among the tamer things I've ever heard in my life. "Evil boss." Ha. I love it.

The guy mentions work twice in passing on his website and drops insults that are the schoolyard equivalent of "dummyhead" and managed to get fired for it. I, however, run a stupid website entirely devoted to the moral, emotional, and spiritual demise of my employers, and make a conscious effort to be as juvenile and offensive as possible in every post. The only consequences for my actions thus far, though, are the massive amounts of celebrity and free corporate perks that have fallen into my lap.

I also wish that I had "trade secrets" to give away, but the rampant sodomy and forced cannibalism at the Strand are hardly secret anymore. It's more like a signing bonus.

Thanks to whomever forwarded the article.

It's Old--

--but I still laugh every time I read it.

From "50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers" (NY Press):

#29 -- Strand Staffers

SLAVING AT A used bookshop may be a nobler vocation than trading pork bellies, but is it too much to ask that someone make eye contact through his or her Elvis Costello glasses? Is it unreasonable to expect the occasional acknowledgement of a customer's presence? Do new employees take classes to learn how to display utter contempt? Screw the Strand and its narrow aisles and indecipherable shelving practices and overpriced used books and staff of petulant clerks. They can ram all eight miles of books up their mopey asses. Next to them, the people at Barnes & Noble are downright motherly.

We're nestled between Dick Grasso and Joan Rivers on the list.

Leaked Memo

Managers/Department Heads Please Note:

The new name tags are to be distributed to employees and worn immediately.

At the same time, all old tags are to be collected and destroyed.

For consistency's sake, no old tags are to be worn.

. . .

If any employee is more commonly known here by a less formal name, (at their discretion) they may trade in their tag and Robin in the 3rd floor office will create them a new one. (Please don't go overboard with this offer. This is meant only to ease anyone who is at extreme discomfort in having their formal birth name appear on their tag.

I guess that's good news for Poopypants Jones (aka, "Magnum") anyway.*

Extreme discomfort at the sound of their birth names. These are the people I work with.

Also, old tags will be melted down and reassembled into a giant red suit of plastic armor in which Nancy will strut throughout the store, vanquishing the naughty.

Yes, yes, I'm well aware that this is the type of ridiculous petty stuff that happens at every job, but if you haven't experienced it already, there's something particularly stupefying about the level of absurdity one encounters on a day-to-day basis while working retail. Particularly if your boss wears a red plastic suit of armor and is inexplicably prone to addressing all employees (male or female) as "Ray."

*I'm very sorry, this was the funniest fake-name I could come up with. It can't all be gold, people.

I Need a Girlfriend

If you guys start donating nickels and dimes, I think I can start running Completely Nonsensical Political Attack Ads on television.

Commence Forgetting of Auld Acquaintances

Yeah yeah, I'm lazy and haven't posted anything for a few days. I've been on a much-needed bender for the past week or so. . . so really, I haven't gotten much of anything done. Showering, bathing, paying bills, etc., have all been shelved for the time being. Probably permanently.

I think the spirit of the New Year can is adequately represented in the conversation I had with two kids from Kazakhstan that I met on the subway recently, shortly before schooling them in Super Mario 3 on their own gameboys.

"Are you in high school?"
"No. . . no I already did all that. . . I work
now."
"Wow! You're a man now!"
"Yeah. . . yeah I'm a man alright."
"Do you have a wife?"
"No."
"Why not? You don't want a wife?"

At this point several passengers were taking interest in our conversation. I took the opportunity to have another swig of Jack before I launched into something that began with "Lemme tell you a lil' somethin' about women. . . " I found myself tossing around the phrase "when I was your age" far more than I normally feel comfortable with. So, to sum up:

1. Happy New Year from the adopted kids I met on the 4 train.
2. Olde English the beverage is far superior to Olde English the language.
3. I need a wife.